Keeping Sane

It's been awhile since I had to force myself to find ways of keeping sane. I use to think that by having constant company you wouldn't feel the need of throwing yourself of a building or run into a moving vehicle. Maybe it doesn't work anymore. These days I have to actually find solutions to keeping sane.

The sudden mood swings don't help at all. Occasionally everyone feels so fucked up that you don't even know what's wrong but you feel as though the world has abandoned you. You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders but you don't know why.

Anyway, that constant feeling of abandonment cannot leave. Time will heal all wounds, I keep reminding myself but sometimes quicker is better.

Everything is so complicated now. There is obviously an easy way out of everything which is to turn back on my decision and go back to pretending all is fine but why take the easy way out when I have already put up with it for this long. It'll be a month before I even know it.

I am upset with all that has happen and the fact that as usual I am stuck in the middle of commotion makes me feel like locking myself in a closet and hide out till the storm is over. But all I do is run. I recently notice that I have a tendency of running away from my troubles. Confrontment is too hard and difficult, so run.

Yet with my decision, I feel so lost. I know I still want it but then why do I feel lost? I want to tire myself out with and pour all my energy into something. A project. All the frustration I have should be channeled into something productive.

Currently I know I don't want a relationship or commitment which has brought me to realise yet another thing. I am afraid of falling in love again. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just afraid that I fall too deep. And what if things go awry after that. Is it worth risking so much for it?

With so much at stake, I mean a fling would be nice so are casual dates but what if something deeper emerge? Does that mean I should not have flings? or dates? Very well know the answer already, but yet I repeatedly question myself. Stupid me.

Perhaps certain things in my life were mistakes but then again I tend to look back and just smile at the mistakes. I mean I remember the mistakes clearer than anything else.

Life is too short to live the life of instructions and I try my very best to do it but fail continously. I know what I want in a relationship which I think is pretty demanding but if it isn't then it will not work.

Keeping sane is important and I think I am currently failing in that department. Maybe they have keeping sane classes somewhere and I can apply to be part of it.