I thought wrong

There are days when I'm fine without you but there are those when I wish you were by my side once again. It's coming to 3 months now and the pain should have resided but it hasn't. I do not think of you as much as I used to but truth is I still think about your whereabouts and what you're up to.

I miss the way you look at me when I do something stupid or when I do something utterly disgusting. I miss the way you laugh at me when I walk funny but still hug me after that. I miss so much bout you that it keeps playing on my mind.

But yet I will not turn back. Not now. And perhaps Son is right, it will hurt to see him with someone else. I thought I'd be fine but once again, I thought wrong.

An unexpectedly short life

To my friend Brittany, we will miss your laughter, the joy you brought by just being around, you are truly one of a kind and we will all miss you a lot. You left us so suddenly and I still can't believe the news when I spoke to you only a few days ago. You seemed so happy. You were even telling me about a rave coming soon and I always said I wanted to follow you for one. Whatever it is, you were always a ball of fun and full of randomness. You will be deeply missed by most of us. May you finally rest in peace and be eternally happy wherever you are as you will always be in our prayers.

That cherry on your Sundae :)

Being all hyped and geared up for college is of no use at all. All the energy fuelled into your body ended up in dismay as you find out that graduation might have to be postponed. Now how does one tell the parentals that, Hey, guess what? I might have to postpone my graduation. HaHa.

Having made so many past mistakes, finally decided this is the time to grow up. I'm making changes, I left the guy and I'm on my own and already the first setback is here.

Greg(one of my lecturer) : ...so do you want me to give lessons on the marketing side...bla bla and some students might not be able to go through with their FMP(Final Marketing Project) if you do not pass your subjects and Cassandra I need to speak with you later...

At that very moment, if my heart could fall down splat on to the ground it would have. There I was completely geared up in my idea and vision of our project and when he said that, the queasy feeling you normally get when something's not right came about.

After a brief conversation with Greg who told me he has no control of whatsoever and that I have to go see Derek(my other lecturer in charge of FMP) I decided I'm pretty screwed. But then again, Derek has always been reasonable and I have always been nice and respectful towards him unlike most people in class who chatters away at volume 10 while he's lecturing us on Product Development.

To top things of, with already such a glum day, went out with the ex who made me feel like scum. But the flow of our conversation was pretty much usual, started from snide comments from both parties which escalates to an argument and then the I'm sorry s.

Better still, as though it wasn't enough, I found out what good friends I have, didn't think guys were the type to bitch but then again I was wrong and in a way I already knew he was the type to. When I said he, no I am not refering to the ex.

In conclusion to yesterday, already feeling defeated with college and then the unnecessary argument with the ex and the cherry on top of your sundae, finding out what 2face bastards of a friends you have(not like I don't know already) but kept on thinking perhaps they would change. The hope I place in friends...............

Moving On

To date, I have never ever been on my own, without a boyfriend in a very long time. I have always had someone in my life and perhaps it will affect me later in future. Not being able to be alone could be detrimental to oneself. To always rely on someone emotionally could make living in the future hard to cope with.

That is why finding it hard to move on from my former relationship is extremely hard. There are days when everything is fine up till I see a picture or remember just about anything to remind me of him or the things we used to do, which mind you isn't much. But I guess it has to be love if it has been 2 months now and I still feel the heartache for him.

The littlest things anyone can say while conversing can make the mind switch to a thought I have not recall in ages. It is somewhat weird as when we were together I could never remember anything pleasant about him or us. All I could muster was the thought of betrayal and all the things he promised he'd do but failed miserably. It wasn't that he even tried to do anything, just couldn't be bothered. And what's worst, when I'm all geared up to leave, he tells me he's ready to make a change. After all the courage I've mustered and the self convincing I had to do with myself, he tells me he's ready.

A break up, the emotional turmoil oneself endures should not last for 2 months. At least if it does, it shouldn't be building up but should be declining. But there it is, mine isn't the least bit faltering. It is only stagnant or if I may say building up. Although as much as I try avoiding the thought, it creeps up on me or something would stir it up. How can I do this when the talk of something so random can stir up emotions.

There is so much to miss only now I realise that. I constantly ask myself if it is worth it to turn back but I am stubborn and I want to stick with my decision. The promise I made to myself for I know I am not ready to commit and as long as I am not the heartache is the price I pay. In years to come hopefully I would have grown up and commit to future bringing.

He seems to be happy without me although he tells me something else, I see smiles on his face. He is happy and therefore I am happy for him. The fact that he has he's job now, something I have been pushing him to do for ages but only comes around to doing it after all has failed. Why? The fact about being a better man and being more discipline only came about also after I pulled the plug. Why? again I ask myself. Yes, he left the door unlock to reuniting but how can I if a promise to myself has been made.

What more when it comes to feelings, it is definitely there, but when it comes to conversation, nothing can be achieved. We are 2 individuals that cannot even hold a conversation while sitting alone when I am one of the most talkative person you'd ever know. But then again trying to convince myself that it was all a big joke, I know all I'm doing is lie to myself.

It is frustrating having to think about it when you do not want to. It is something you can never control and I do not like not being in control especially when it comes with my own emotions. I miss him more than ever now that he isn't around but yet I know I am not ready for commitment. The whole 2 years, I really thought I wasn't really in love and after everything is over I guess I got my questions answered the only problem is when will it stop.